DT: 1

This has turned into more of my blog than our blog. Whatever though.

Sigh. You know what sucks the most? I've been trying so hard lately. But, yesterday I got all ready for bed and I was laying there about to put my laptop up, send you a text, and turn the lights off to go to bed. Then, as I was reaching for the off button I just had a gut feeling that something wasn't right. There was something that wasn't sitting well with me and my mind just raced through the possibilities. So, I went through everything. Every possible thing you could think of I went through. That's bad of me, I know. But, I have no excuse for it. There it was though. The answer to why things weren't sitting well with me. I saw it then I couldn't stop looking for me. I just kept clicking around and you know that feeling of heart break you talk about to me sometimes? I know what you mean now. Am I disappointed? Yeah. But, you know you didn't just disappoint me, you broke my heart that time. You went against everything you've ever told me. You say you want me to know that you're loyal to me? You know what I think about that now? Bull shit. You're just buttering me up with all the lies right now, and I really can't believe you anymore. You always blame me for not trusting you. I gave you my trust back and you just threw it away again like it doesn't even matter. Like, I'm some kind of idiot who will never know what you do. Well, sorry that I'm a freak and I go trolling through your things. But, I can't say I regret it. I don't. You left it there because you knew I would find it anyways? What is the point of that? So basically that's like saying "I'm gonna like talk with another guy, but I'm not gonna tell you 'cause you know you're gonna find out anyways, so I'll just save myself some time and wait for when you find out." That doesn't make sense. I don't care if it was a week ago, yesterday, last month, half a year ago, or what. What matters was that we were together. I was trying and you went behind my back and did something you should've never done. You're excuse is that you weren't thinking. You're excuse for everything seems to be you weren't thinking. Why don't you just think then? I'm not calling you dumb. I'm calling you irresponsible. If you can't handle a little task like thinking then I really don't know. I don't understand how you could just be like "lalalala this is okay, let me just do this." then you sit down later and you finally think a little and come up with the conclusion that that was wrong. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't do well with things like that. I'm an analyzer and everything I do I've thought about. You aren't making sense to me now. Mistakes are inevitable, but they usually happen once. Yours was over a span of days. So, I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm not even sure if this will ever get read. If it does yay, if it doesn't yay to that too. I guess it doesn't really matter. But, if you are reading this I want you to know that I've been trying so hard lately. You say I don't put my all into things anymore and I have. I don't know why I should anymore though because every time I put my all into something I get something negative back. I don't understand my luck. Why does it have to be like that every time? I don't get it. I don't get it. I really, really don't. Try not to be angry if from now on after you tell me something I respond with "is that the truth?" or "annnnd? is that alll?" Still though, like I said I don't get it. I could make a whole post saying what I think about the things that have been going on. Maybe I'll just go do that. But, then I'll be a bitch. Oh well. So be it. No one will see.